Nothing is something, and something makes up everything.

Note:

Nothing= Something

Something= Everything

I don’t plan on finishing this, but I trust myself more than ever today that I will.

I get so tired of people asking me things they care nothing about. At some point I started wondering why people would put so much of them into a situation they put no genuine thought, action, or pride into? I mean after all, it’s only their own time that they’re wasting, not one second of anyone else’s. Lately things have been getting worse, though things are so good. Something like watching a movie to escape from my own troubles, to the troubles of make believe, while reality trails behind. Once the movie’s over I’m there to be hit in the face by my own part again. The cycle I`m living my life in, seems to be falling into this deep hole that no one can save me from, because they happen to be a part of it. The more I question myself about my unknown reasons for my selfish actions that have gotten me to where I am today I can’t help, but not want to help. It’s just that I know I’ll need help to rise to my own challenges. Honestly I just don’t know whom to turn to.  I don’t mean to sound selfish, but I don’t seek myself out to help anyone else until I can help myself. I know I need more than what I allow myself to receive, but when I have to sit around the same people everyday, it’s like all of my mind is falling down & I`m not allowed to care, & no matter how hard I try I can’t seek the answers as to why? Maybe I`m too close to the IT, IT being the problem, IT being everything I am! Everything I`m not! Everything I should, would, and could be if it weren’t for this unsatisfying matter of mine.

Now after about eight or nine years of confusion, I’m finally ready to understand, but nobody is here to help, and help is exactly what I need. To be direct I’ve never connected with who I am as a person today. It’s just this thing people talk about I guess... I always thought there was more to this... I know it’ll take more than one person to pull me out of all the apprehension in my life, & me being I, I appreciate the ones who are still here after everything we had to go through.

I must say, this has been the most difficult one to start and may also be the most difficult one to finish. I can never seem to finish anything this "personal." But, strangely enough, it is also the one that is most determined; it seems, to be written. It's been on my mind for months and months and I'm still wondering how I'm supposed to make my writing make sense enough so that this will be understood the way it's supposed to be understood.
Currently, as I write this, I am not depressed. Well, I mean, I'm not feeling that overwhelmingly apathetic, desire less-ness to do anything. I don't feel like I can't function or enjoy anything because I can't find a reason to enjoy anything. I do not feel hopelessly hopeless. I am not digging my fingernails into my skin until I bleed just so I can feel pain, feel ANYTHING that lets me know that somewhere deep down, I still have the capacity to feel.
But I have been that way.
Ok, some may call this depression, but perhaps that's misleading. Perhaps I don't know what depression is. I've never gone to a doctor, and have been 'medically diagnosed'. I can't say that. But I can say that I've researched and for no reason other than to prove that maybe I wasn't psycho and really had something wrong with me, taken many different online 'tests' to see if I suffered from depression. They always said I probably did and need to see a doctor as soon as possible. [Lol]
So, I'm not feeling depressed now and haven't for the past while. Why am I writing this? What do I want to prove through it? I don't really know. Am I cured now? I don't even know what it means to be cured! Now, though, I do know a lot of the things that have and will lead me to depression. I know why I've been doing so well recently. And I know that I'm seriously scared when I am put back in many of the same situations that wreak havoc on my mind. I know that depression is a strange thing and is difficult to understand. I still don't understand, but I know enough to know I don’t have the worst case.
I don't know if it's a disease; a chemical reaction gone badly in the brain. If so, then what caused the chemical reaction? Is medication the only way to treat this? (You see I stooped taking any pills or any other medications, for all sicknesses) Can we not control our own minds? Can we not, like people think, 'snap out of it'? I seem to think that the problem is not that we can't seem to snap out of it, but that we aren't able to find any reason or desire to make ourselves snap out of it.
I saw A Beautiful Mind and absolutely loved it! I loved how he stopped his medication and by realizing and accepting what was going on in his mind, was able to control it. I loved how, though a bit reserved, he was a totally normal guy and there was nothing to lead anyone to believe that he was psychologically screwed up. I loved how he was a genius, because in a weird way, I think that any type of mental illnesses seem to infect those with above average IQ's more than those with average or below. I believe you can think yourself into depression and I believe that's what happened to me. I think I think too much and all that this thinking has done to me is destroyed every bit of values or meaning I've put into anything, including my own existence.
I guess I'm also saying that part of me believes that depression can be controlled and we can be responsible for our own feelings, without medication, by just putting our minds to it. This is incredibly risky of me to say, I know, especially with the popular belief that depression is a 'chemical reaction' and everything. But, I don't know, I guess I just think there is something else.

I can see all the damage, and only imagine the pain.

Constantly I find myself wishing to help, but dream of no good.

For every action to be thrown into thin air,

I ask myself, "How could I hold on at such a time like this?"

I feel like I've been hooked to magic trying to polish a dull miricle.

Only you have trimmed your dreams,

Yet I feel it's my duty to  find, and restore them. 

I long to find The Answer,

Within each action, each word, every breathe you take,...

How could something so beautiful be such a disaster? ...

My mind is so empty of words yet again. I have so much i want to let out to you, but no words could ever measure up to the amount of happiness you deserve. I can`t express how much it hurts me to see you hurt in an understanderalbe way. But if anything I know things are going to have to change, if peace within yourself is what you long for. When you think negative, you see negative, which brings you to what you have now. People can only do so much for you. You have to be the one to take that step forward & save yourself from you. I want to help you as much as i can. More than you`ll ever know.